The Story Behind the Feed: Our Ectopic Pregnancy

First, I want to set up a trigger warning because not everyone might want to read this post. I know I focus on New Orleans, food, travel and life in Louisiana 99% of the time so if that’s what you came to this blog for, I certainly won’t be offended if you don’t want to read about my personal & detailed story of loss and grief. 

I wrote this in early September 2019, for reference.

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I thought I would write this when I got to a good, healthy place…maybe even when we were expecting again, so I could say, look at us, we triumphed! But the reality is that I’m writing this almost 3 months after we lost our baby (4 months since I’m publishing it) and as I’m writing this, I’m feeling really low.

I consider myself a very optimistic person, and my good days have WAY outnumbered the bad…lots of joyful, hopeful days even! But when you’re experiencing grief and a dark cloud comes, it tends to linger.

Last night, out of nowhere, it hit. I have no idea why…I’m in the middle of an exciting launch, life is good and we’re going on a family beach vacation next week. But today I’m down…and for some reason today is the day I wanted to write.

The more I think about it, the more I think that its more important to share my story before the happy ending. Before the triumph. Because that’s where most couples who have fertility issues or trouble carrying to term actually are most of the time.

We celebrate the wins, but what about the months and years leading up to that? That’s where we need the support the most.

I try to share various aspects of my life on Instagram (mainly IG Stories) and keep a level of transparency because I believe I have a responsibility, as an “influencer,” to not just share the highlight reel. I am regularly hearing from people, “oh I wish I had your life.” When I hear that, I try my hardest to accept the compliment and say thanks, but in my gut, I want to say, “oh that’s not really my life!” I mean, it is—yes, I do those things…but it’s only a fraction of my life, ya know?

So to honor realness, I always try my best to share some of the bad times along with the good.

And the past year has had some bad times, y’all.

It’s easier said than done to share, though! I learned quickly last year that when you share health issues with an audience, you open yourself up to other emotions that you may not be prepared for. For example, when I was sick last year (I had a horrible Rheumatoid Arthritis flare up), for a while I wasn’t getting better—I was getting worse. And when you’re going through a really rough time, it’s hard to turn the camera around and show your face, much less explain what you’re going through—and then feel a responsibility to give updates (and a shame when you don’t.)

See? So many emotions. It’s just not what you need to add to your plate when you’re going through hard times.

However, I do feel like my story is important and that it should be shared. I wish loss, miscarriages and infertility weren’t such taboo topics, but I do know that we each have the power to change that and all we have to do is start talking about it more—and I do think that is already changing for the better.

The more we talk about it, the more someone will feel seen, heard and understood when they themselves go through a loss, which translates to more opportunities for support, education & resources…all things I scoured the internet for during our loss.  

So here it goes…

The unfortunate truth is that on June 15^th, my Fallopian tube ruptured due to an ectopic pregnancy, meaning, our baby was so excited & anxious that he/she attached to my right Fallopian tube instead of travelling into my uterus.

Ectopic pregnancies happen in about 2 percent of all pregnancies. That equates to 1 in 50 women. You never, ever think that you’ll be that one person out of fifty—ever.

Want to hear something ominous? Exactly one week before we got a positive pregnancy test, I was at our local Spring Art Walk with some friends when we crossed paths with the brother, sister-in-law & 7-month-old baby boy (a small family of 3) of a one of my friends who was with me. We all said our hellos, and as they were walking away, my friend goes, “You know they had an ectopic pregnancy before him?”

From what I remember, we ran into another friend immediately after that and no one had a chance to say or ask anything. And I for one immediately categorized it as something that doesn’t apply to me and kept on walking in ignorant bliss.

Ok, so let me back up here…

Before I share the full story, I need to go back to the beginning. For those of you who read my health update at the end of the year about my rheumatoid arthritis flare up, you may remember me sharing that it wasn’t the full story. Well, here’s the full story.

Last March (2018) is when we decided to start our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I remember it specifically because I had to get off of the medicine I was taking (methotrexate—a chemotherapy drug that can treat RA in small doses) 4 months in advance before we started to try. I had to get off this medicine & get it out of my system because it can actually stop a pregnancy from growing.

I never in a million years would have imagined a scenario where I actually needed to take it for this exact purpose a 14 months later, but this is how life works sometimes. You make plans, and God laughs.

I was completely off any medication for my RA after that, and I was doing ok until I failed my CFP exam in July—an exam I had been sacrificing a lot for & studying for an entire year. This just goes to show how much stress plays a role in autoimmune diseases because I was in a painful, crippling full-body flare within 3 days of the exam. I passed the exam on my next try, btw. 😉

As you can read in the full story, we tried to heal it naturally but it didn’t work. In fact, it got worse. I actually have permanent damage in my left wrist and thumb now. But I am now on the medicine I should’ve gotten on immediately after my flare, and it is working well. It’s a drug that doesn’t travel through the uterus/placenta so it doesn’t affect the baby.

From July through the end of the year, we were trying, but not trying. Some months were so bad, it felt ridiculous to even consider getting pregnant. Our thought process was that we were hoping the elimination diet would eventually start working and that if we got pregnant, we’d have a 50% chance of my RA going into remission (this is a real statistic and possibility for anyone with RA.)

Once I finally conceded, got on my new meds and got well in December, we decided to approach the new year with an invigorated effort. That excitement was quickly dampened when I had something weird happen with my periods, and that led us to a fertility specialist in Lafayette.

I ended up getting a HSG procedure that our doc recommended (BTW this was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced—I basically felt a raw contraction and subsequently reconsidered even having a baby LOL). It showed that my tubes were clear, only further angering me at the complete mystery of an ectopic pregnancy!

However, we were excited by this good news, and we were told that it tends to produce a high pregnancy rate after a successful procedure. I joked with Andres that it cleared my cobwebs away! We were very optimistic after this.

Sure enough, 2 months later, we were pregnant. Just in time to celebrate my birthday by getting fat and happy!

Those 2 weeks of ignorance bliss were amazing (exhaustion, insatiable hunger, non-stop peeing and all)…and I can’t wait to feel that again!

Here comes the sucky part…

I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy on May 21st at 6 weeks. Let me stop right here to explain why I was diagnosed early. Because I’m over 35 (I’m 36 years old, by the way) and I have a very good doctor, they had me come in right away to start measuring my hormone levels. Hormone levels are supposed to double in number every couple of days, so if they start to decline then that is the first sign that something is going wrong.

Once my OB nurse saw the declining numbers, I was in their office the next day for an ultrasound that confirmed an ectopic pregnancy.

If I had been told to wait until 8 weeks (which is standard!) then this all could have ended very badly. Ectopic pregnancies are a leading cause of maternal mortality in the first trimester. If you are over 35 or high risk and TTC, I suggest that you demand to have your hormone levels monitored right away.

Ok so back to our diagnosis…

My options included immediate surgery to proactively remove the tube, have him go in laparoscopically to try to remove the embryo from the tube, which I was told usually ends up rupturing it anyways, or—oh the irony—a methotrexate shot. In order to attempt to save the tube, we opted for the shot.

After the diagnosis and shot, I felt completely isolated. I had only heard about my friend’s sister-n-law having one in passing, but THAT’S IT. I was trying to understand what was happening scientifically while also struggling to comprehend why on God’s earth was this happening to me!

I guess we all have moments like these at some point in our lives.

That’s when I did a search on Facebook for a support group…it was a life saver! See, my battle wasn’t over. When you opt for the methotrexate shot, you still have a chance at rupturing your tube as the embryo is exiting the tube. I read in the group that until my hormone levels reach 0, I could rupture. It’s a scary thing to read, but I’d opt for information over ignorance any day.

In that group, I also learned from other women what the exact symptoms are when you’re rupturing. My doc just told me to look out for “acute pain” but I didn’t really know how to predict what that would feel like. In the group, I learned about the sharp shoulder pain, gas feeling all over the body and the blacking out–all symptoms I would experience (and recognize) right away a few weeks later.

About a week before my rupture, I knew I was at a high risk for rupture because my doctor actually saw something in my ultrasound that made him recommend a 2^nd methotrexate shot. The short reason of why I didn’t take it is that the side effects of the shot are not fun and my hormone levels were falling perfectly as they should, so we opted against the 2^nd shot.

9 days later (at this point I was technically 9 weeks into pregnancy), I slept in on a Saturday, and as soon as I lifted myself in bed, I felt gas all over my body. Trying not to panic, I made it to the toilet with ease, but then the sharp pain in the shoulder happened…and then I started to black out on the toilet.

Andres was upstairs playing music with headphones in, and he wasn’t getting my calls. I had to crawl (I do not for the life of me know how I did this) upstairs. I made it back down (painfully and with his help) but I couldn’t stand. In fact, I fell very hard into a doorway the final time I tried to stand and walk on my own. I was bleeding out internally, unable to move and in excruciating pain.

I didn’t realize what all could go wrong with an ambulance ride, but trust me when I say that I had one of the worst experiences. Let’s just say the worst part is that they took me to an ER that hasn’t provided OB care in the past decade!!!

I won’t get into the other mistakes that were made by the ambulance, but I will say this: find out which hospital you should and shouldn’t go to if you’re at risk of needing an ambulance. It took me almost 2 hours to go into surgery, and that’s about 1 hour and 30 minutes overdue! By the time I met my surgeon I was begging for him to put me under.

After surgery, I was faced with grieving both our baby and a part of my reproductive organs. It’s almost comical how much my planning nature has been tested. Andres hated it when I did this, but throughout our TTC journey, I brought up miscarriage often because I wanted us to be prepared for what I thought would most likely happen. Almost every woman close to me as had one, so I thought, “I’ll probably have one too.”

That’s so me. Just like Brene Brown poignantly pointed out in her Netflix special…I was dress-rehearsing a tragedy so that I could be prepared for it. Again…make plans, God laughs.

Moving on after loss can be challenging. There are constant reminders of our loss. Those of you who have gone through similar struggles are well aware of the fact that it seems like literally everyone else is having a healthy pregnancy…friends, acquaintances, bloggers I follow on Instagram, clients, random people on the street…everyone!

I am truly happy–like over the moon–for everyone who is pregnant, but as anyone who’s gone through something similar can attest, it’s just a little reminder that you’re not.

Or like when we decided to start Grey’s Anatomy over from season 1 and Cristina Yang has an ectopic pregnancy (totally did NOT remember that at all). During recovery, after a few days of denial, she starts crying uncontrollably as she finally feels the weight of it all and shouts, “somebody sedate me!” Tears were already streaming down my face, but I had to let out a laugh. I pretty much yelled the same thing to my surgeon before I went under.

I also can’t help but look down and wish I had a beautiful big belly. I may have stared longingly at a beautiful pregnant woman who looked to be about 4 months pregnant (what I would have been) on the beach all day one day on our beach vacation in September.

After a much needed break over the summer, I stayed very busy to get my mind off of things. I can honestly say that we are in such a good place right now, though, and we are very excited and hopeful to continue our journey.

We made the best choices that we could and I’m lucky to have such good care. As if I didn’t know this already, but this experience taught me just how lucky I am to have Andres as my life partner. He is my rock and I know we can get through anything together after this. We just celebrated 3 years, and we’ve been faced with some real challenges about half the time of our marriage.

I have a couple of pregnant friends who I’ve told my story to. You know what their reaction was? After condolences, they immediately shared their struggles too. One has been through 3 or 4 miscarriages and the other told me it’s taken them almost 3 years to get pregnant again. Why did they share that? Because they knew it would ease my mind in a small way—knowing that someone else is going through a similar struggle creates a small bond and helps us cope. This is proof that the more we share about loss, infertility and miscarriage, the better we can all cope and keep the hope.

Do I believe that we will be holding our rainbow child one day soon? Of course. Do I believe it’s going to be an easy road to get there, even though we’ve had plenty of hurdles already? Nope. We may have a few more struggles to get through, or maybe not. I just want you to know that if you’re also going through some struggles—you are not alone!

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope my story brings you awareness and solace, especially if you are going through struggles to start a family of your own.

If you’ve had or if you have an ectopic in the future, here is the support group I found on facebook that helped me: https://www.facebook.com/groups/275366965831264/

I’ll leave with you with a parting tip. I’ve read something like this in Linsday Ostrom’s aka Pinch of Yum’s blog, and I thought it was very useful. If you’re reading this and you know someone who has gone through something similar or they are going through any kind of grief, don’t be afraid to ask them to share their story or to directly ask about their surgery or loss or the person or baby they lost. They are hurting because they loved, and they want the chance to talk about who they loved because they want them to be remembered. If they don’t feel like talking that day, they will let you know, but they will be grateful that you asked. 

I’d love to hear your stories or shared experiences. Comment below or send me a DM on Instagram so we can connect!

Thanks for caring…and for letting me use my platform to share my story!

xo,
Danielle